R A M B L E S

what better use for the front page than to throw out my random thoughts? my brain is full of them so why not put them here

28.12.22
it's currently christmas break and i'm visiting some family. i got a new film camera for christmas (a canon z155 i found on ebay, annoying aside but there were listings that were cheaper and had more stuff with them but i was TOO SLOW sending my christmas list to my mum and they got sold agghhh). anyway it seems like a decent camera if a bit slow at charging the flash, main problem is i fiddled with it too much and now the fucking back door won't shut i hate it here so much. i'm going to just tape the door shut when i load in film and pray and hope everything else works properly.

i have also had a bit of a revelation of the kinds of characters (especially star trek characters) i like. rewatching blade runner 2049 has made me insane about artificial intelligence and the humanity of androids and holograms and so obviously i started rewatching some tng. anyway i seem to be drawn to characters who operate in the world differently due to their inherent nature. finding the humanity in non human beings. data from tng, the doctor from voyager, bashir from ds9 (who i was drawn to initially just bc he's a smug little freak but when it's revealed he's genetically augmented it just made me love him even more), spock from tos. people with entirely different strengths and weaknesses and attributes and who have to make their own little place in the world where they belong. maybe it's not that deep and i just like freaks but i don't know. always drawn to people who are different. hmmmm i wonder if this reflects anything about my own character...



31.12.22
i'm such a stupidly anxious person sometimes like i can't even enjoy my hobbies like a normal person. i keep saying that new hobbies are just new things to be anxious about. this is specifically about film photography like there is SO much to continuously worry about there's no escape is it even worth all the stress at this point? i shoot film because it looks cool that's it. but it's so spenny and it's stressful but stopping photography will also make me anxious because how will i remember things were cool if i don't photograph them especially if i don't photograph them on film??!! god.



1.1.23
holy shit it's 2023. that's not even what i wanted to write about but i literally just remembered that's messed up. i dislike the passage of time and i hate even more being aware of it being so aware that this moment will end. but what did katya say? if you have one foot in the past one foot in the future you're pissing on the present so i guess it's not something to dwell on just something to occassionally remember about and think about how fucked up it is. like my final foundation project was on this on the passage of time and growing up specifically and changing and being terrified for the future (specifically moving away to uni). and so now i've moved away to uni it's so interesting to look back on that time capsule of my anxieties at that specific time in my life and how that whole time i was telling myself it'll be fine and knowing now that i was right. i mean like it's not perfect but it's literally just fine the current present that you're living will always just be mundane reality.

christ that's not even what i opened neocities to write about i just wanted to think about my connection to cardiff and being home for a while and how it makes me not want to go back because i think that being away from it makes it a scarier prospect like i'm moving away again. i've only been there for a term but it's so full on it becomes a whole second life and so to move away from that even just for a month is strange. i've been worried for a bit that it actually sucks and i don't want to go back and only just now rationalised it and convinced myself that's it's fine it's literally fine (strange as it's 11pm which is a rare time for non panicky thinking). i think i've just associated it with bad times because i have had bad times there but i also had bad times at foundation and that's not how i think back at it. i think back at the better times that i finally got nearer the end. i have plenty of time in cardiff to settle in and meet more people and make it more familiar and more something i want to go back to. it's also winter. you really feel the 4pm darkness in your bones.

final thing i always forget that i had a 2 hour voice call with ross federman of tally hall to ask him endless stupid drumming questions that's so fucked literally so surreal i bet he doesn't even remember who i am. my tally hall hyperfixation was actually unhealthy. i'm sorry ross i was so annoying.